E=mc²

the first year of my life i've actually stuck to my new years resolutions.

2009-05-23T04:12:22Z

yes.
new years 2009 i made a firm decision that this year i would focus on getting over my anxiety issues completely to the point where i could get off my medication. Little by little, i pushed myself to do things that would have been basically like throwing myself off a cliff had i done it a year ago. Things most people do without thinking, like going to parties, dating, getting tattooed and peirced... i did it all, and pushed myself through the fear. I even sort of "re-enacted" some situations that had previously caused me severe anxiety attacks, just for practice at controlling my mind and body when i can't control my environment. it was masochistic, in a way. eventually, the more potentially anxious situations i got through without any problems, the more confident i became. then, in april, i started to gradually cut back my dosage and take my meds every other day for a few weeks, then every two days, etc, until i stopped completely a few weeks ago. i have been able to do anything i feet like doing without the dark cloud of panic hanging over my head, and the best part is, that i know that the power to do so comes from within me, not from medication. if a situation does arise that has the potential to be anxiety provoking, my mind and my will are strong enough to keep my body from responding with a panic attack. in the few months ahead, i highly expect that i will experience times of high anxiety, but i am confident that i can work through it and prevent myself from having a full blown attack. i am not afraid of relapse. i have never been more proud of myself, i have never felt more empowered, and i have never felt more optimistic. thinking back to the start of last summer, i can remember feeling like i was a dog kept on a leash; i could only roam around so much before the chains of my irrational fears and obsessions inevitably caused me to withdraw. this summer, i feel like i have broken free. my imagination can become reality because nothing is holding me back anymore. that dark cloud over my shoulders, fearfully keeping me from being able to live my life has blown away. this summer, i can do anything and everything, and i WILL do anything and everything... just because i can. and i know what it's like to be in a place where you can't. i haven't felt this happy in a long time. i haven't felt this real in a long time. and those feelings aren't going anywhere, because now i'm in control.

narcolepsy

2009-01-25T04:56:21Z

what is reality? denotation of the word itself describes reality as what acually exists, or what is real. but what one person would consider reality, another would consider fantasy and vice versa. who really knows what is real and what isn't? ever since high school, and my experiences with drifting from one crowd of kids to another, i've always maintained the perspective that reality is subjective. for instance, every school has that crowd of 14-17 year old kids who think they're hardcore gangsters. from their perspective, they are intimidating, tough, rebellious, and better than everyone else who isn't like them. in their minds, they have a tough life. they do and sell drugs to exasterbate the image that they truly are street wise. this life is a reality for them. but to others on the outside looking in, they are posers, white trash kids just trying to find a place to fit in and trying to find some way to get one measly ounce of status in a school hierarchy so dependent on the size of your parent's wallet.

their fantasy becomes their reality, and so their fantasy shapes who they are; what moments become their memories, what memories go on to build their character, and so on. however, once this fantasy life builds it's way into a person's personality, memories, and the buildup of who they are, the life they live, and the remnents of themselves they leave behind after death... do the ideas that once were fantasy finally become reality? after all, if i may quote Descartes, "I think, therefore I am." So, if what our idea of reality is makes us who we are, and we as living beings are in fact real, then can fantasy be reality?

one biological characteristic of narcolepsy is the extreme difference in the path your brain takes when falling asleep. when a normal person lays down to sleep, they spend the first 2 hours or so in non-REM sleep, the stage when your brain is shutting down your body to enter a state of paralysis and so on. after that, you enter REM sleep, which as everyone knows, is the stage of sleep when your brain is the most active. this is when you experience dreaming. For people with narcolepsy, your brain takes an entirely different route as you enter sleep. instead of spending a good 2 hours in non-REM sleep, you spend NO time at all in this stage, and fall directly into REM sleep and extremely deep states of dreaming.

i'm sleeping. my alarm goes off, time for work. i rise from bed, check my hair in the mirror, and wash my face. it's quiet and cold in my house at 7am. i find some random socks on the bathroom floor, grab my scrubs and get dressed. i put my shoes on in the laundry room and exit the house through the garage. the cold air dries up my throat and i can't stop coughing. in my car, i can see my breath, but i can't see through my windshield. i drive to work anyways. at work, i clock in with my time card. daisy rubs her skinny little body against my legs and emits an ugly obnoxious whiny meow. an old dog is dying and we are trying to save it. i accidently drop him and he lands on his head, breaks his neck, and dies. my boss explodes and tells me to get the hell out of there and never come back. i come home and go to bed to try and forget about it all.

my phone rings, my dad is calling and it's wednesday at 3 pm. my day off. i had class in the morning and took a nap after i got back home. or did i go to work, kill someone's pet, and get fired? i lay in bed confused and disoriented. i finally realize that it was just a dream, but it seemed so real that i can't stop thinking about it for the rest of the day. i think "what could i have done to save that dog's life?" i feel horrible. i feel guilty. it is reality to me.

the majority of my time is spent asleep and dreaming. even if i fall asleep for 20 minutes during class, i will have a dream that i am awake and participating in the class. so what really happened? does it matter what REALLY happened, or does only my sense of reality matter? other times, i'll be sleeping in bed and my dad will come in to wake me up so that i can move my car. i dream that i get up out of bed, grab my keys, and move my car into the street before returning back to bed. 10 minutes later, my dad wakes me up again, this time pissed off that i still havent gotten my ass out of bed, when i tell him that i just did, and i am confused when he tells me that i certainly did not.

but what if my dad had never came back to wake me up the second time, and just moved my car himself? what if i never woke up in class and realized that i had been napping? i would have just kept sleeping and dreaming that i was going on living my life. i would still believe that i HAD perticipated in the class discussion, and that i had gone outside and moved my car too. i wouldn't know that these things were not reality. it seems real to me, more real than my life feels when i am awake.

so what is reality for me? the life i live while i'm awake, or the life i live in my dreams while i'm asleep? if more of your impression of reality is influenced by your life while sleeping than while awake, does that make your dreams real? does the reality of your waking life even matter, if you barely spend any time in it anyways? sensibly, i KNOW that my dreams are just dreams... they are timeless, dimensionless, figments of my own subconscious. but if my dreams influence me more than my real life experiences, then they do become my reality.

random update

2008-12-19T02:21:52Z

although i keep a private journal which i write in every few days/weeks or so, i like posting in livejournal.. not because i think other people will read it and care about my life, but because no matter where i'm at, if i feel like looking back on my life i can do so.

so... here's to infrequent updates.

i started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago. i really enjoy it, she makes me feel good about myself and confident about my anxiety. she reassures me that i did the right thing by eliminating all the unhealthy friendships in my life. she listens to what i have to say really well, and in doing so, she gives me another perspective on issues in my life. i definitely think that it has helped me to understand and cope with my anxiety more, and also has given me more confidence in other aspects of my life. she tells me that i'm smart, caring, articulate, selfless, empathetic, and worth more than how i let people treat me... and it feels good to hear someone say that, even if they barely know me.

next order of business... i honestly feel sorry for you. i go from periods of hating your guts and thinking that you weren't as amazing as i tricked myself into thinking you were, to the complete opposite and just wanting to hear you say that you miss me in your life. but through all of these confused and mixed feelings, one thing stands out.. and it's that i really feel sorry for you. you just can't open up and feel comfortable communicating with people, so you push them away. especially when they get too open with you, and youre afraid that they want the same openness in return. even though you have amazing friends who care about you (which i am extremely jealous of), you will always be alone. this has helped me realize that i am so incredibly lucky to have someone who will always love me, and whom i will always love in return. i will never be alone... ever.

cisforceleritas @ 2008-09-05T20:05:00

2008-09-06T01:18:32Z

my doctor thinks I have narcolepsy. there's no difinitive test for it, but based on the fact that ever since I was like 15 i've always been excessively sleepy and fall asleep for hours at a time during the daytime on a daily basis, to the point where i get a combined total of between 14-16 hours of sleep a day, i guess it makes sense. he's gonna put me on some medication that will hopefully convince my brain that i don't need that much sleep. i'm really sick of living like this, always being tired all the time, having to fit a nap into my daily routine, and not being able to stay up late with my friends.

i know that in the past 6-8 months or so it has seemed like i have "changed" because of my anxiety and stuff. it might seem like i dont wanna go out and do the things i used to want to do with my friends, and thats partly because of my anxiety and partly because of being so tired all the time. also, i know that sometimes i can seem irritable or crabby when friends go out and do stuff that i "dont wanna do"... and i'm sorry if that makes you think that i've changed as a person because i don't wanna do the same things, or because i might act bitchy about friends/boyfriends doing things without me... but the truth is (pay attention, this is important) that i'm just frusterated and aggravated with myself that i can't go out and do those things that i used to anymore, and actually really really jealous of my friends/boyfriends who CAN go out and do those things without me... and so all these feelings can manifest themselves into me acting like a grouch and seeming like i'm not the same person who i used to be.

my anxiety is mostly under control now, but it's still something i deal with every day and it still influences my life immensely. also, if i DO have narcolepsy, i really hope i can start to manage it so i can lead a somewhat normal life and go back to doing the things i want to do without anything hindering me.

so the past 8 months or so has been really really really hard on me in so many ways.... but i wanna thank all of my friends who have been so understanding of me struggling with anxiety and narcolepsy and understanding the changes i was going through, and who have been there for me no matter what......... oh wait, that's none of you.

4th of july weekend 2008

2008-07-07T02:56:32Z

the past four days have been the best 4th of July weekend of my life... so far.

on thursday savanah had people over and it was good to spend time with savanah and jackie again. working 40+ hours a week and having to be up at 6am everyday prevents us from being able to hang out together i think, because i need to go to bed early and they always wanna go out and party or go to the city or something. but we all got pretty drunk and it was fun. everyone was telling me the whole night how cute trevor and i are together. nick even told me that he's never seen trevor happier, and hearing that from nick made me feel really good because all i wanna do is make him happy.

friday i had my first day off in like 3 weeks (besides having every sunday off.. but i still have to wake up early for church so it barely counts). i slept in till 2 and then had people over at 5 for a cookout. my dad tried his best to cook up veggie burgers and dogs for the veggie peeps, and overall i think people had a really good time. then afterwards we went into st. charles for some amazing fireworks. i was glad everyone came to my cookout thingy, it made me feel really loved or something.

saturday was kinda lame.. i worked and then had to go to some kids graduation party who i was best friends with when i was like 6 but havent seen since. so it was kind of awkward... especially since he grew up to be a total hottie lol

and then today my family and i went up to my aunt's in wisconsin to watch the parade that the town of East Troy has every year, the same parade that my mom marched in with her band when she was in high school. this is like the 8th year or so that we've all been going and its always a really enjoyable way to end the 4th of july weekend. except i got super sunburnt because today was basically the first time my skin has been exposed to any sunlight for over like 30 minutes lol. i'm gonna be hurting tomorrow.

hope you all had a good 4th!
and thanks to those who came to my cookout.. i hope you enjoyed it!

cisforceleritas @ 2008-06-20T14:41:00

2008-06-20T19:42:23Z

no one reads this.

lol.

but if someone did read this, i would want them to know that i was happy again.

cisforceleritas @ 2008-06-01T20:41:00

2008-06-02T02:09:30Z

Within the first young hours of June 2008, Savanah, Trevor, Ryan and I found ourselves trapped in Santas Village while being ambushed by police from all sides of the park. The cops thought they'd surround us and sit it out, because we eventually had to hop the fence to get back out, but little did they know that we had a lookout (Jamie). We found a remote corner of the park, and Trevor and Ryan lifted up the chainlink fence and we all crawled under. We found ourselves in a neighborhood, and ducked in and out of shadows until we found a dark, inconspicuous place to wait for Jamie to find us and pick us up.

I haven't been this happy in a long time. I love hanging out with this group of new and old friends. I feel like for once in my life, it's the first time when I've felt such a complete sense of belonging, appreciation, and care from one group of people. Everyone has so many unique and special qualities to lend to the group that whenever we're all together it feels like time stands still, and the here and now is the only thing that matters. I've had so many adventures, and done so many spontaneous things in the past few weeks, and it has made me so happy. It's refreshing to find people who know that once you step outside of the bars and drunken parties, there is a world out there to explore...

I'm throwing transitional phrases out the window.

Back at work, 40 hours a week. Surprisingly, I love it. I'm considered a "whole person" now, and since i'm not the new girl anymore, people don't bitch at me, respect me, joke with me... and the best part is that i don't have to do all the dirty bitch work anymore. I feel so blessed to have found my passion so early in life, because that's one less part about my future that isn't a mystery to me.

He makes me so shy like I've never felt before, and everytime we get close to each other i get butterflies. It's been so long since I've felt this way, and even longer since I've met someone like him. He's shown me that I DO deserve the best, and i should never let anyone try to convince me otherwise. I just want to make him happy, and treat him better than she ever did... because he deserves the best too.

Summer 2008. Already above and beyond my expectations.

The beginning of the end

2008-04-30T20:26:34Z

so, it's tuesday and I move out of my dorm on saturday. it's a weird feeling knowing that i'm gonna be moving back to the suburbs, because as much as i miss my friends, and having a car, and as much as i hate living in a dorm, i've just started to really like living in the city lately, now that the weather is nicer and i've been meeting some cool new people.

freshman year of college. i can't believe it's over. it's definitely NOT what i thought it would be... and i can say that i didn't enjoy living in the city as much as i thought i would, mostly because of the shitty weather and having to walk everywhere. if/when i move back to chicago, i'm bringing a car, no matter how expensive it is.

college has had some upsides and some downsides. i really enjoyed having the freedom to do what i want without having to answer to a parent, and i think that spending a yeaar not living at home has actually made my parents and i, and even my brother and i, have a closer relationship, which is good. the only thing i regret about my freshman year, meaning if i could go back and change anything, it would be to not have come to school in a relationship. iwish i would have listened to my mom and my aunt and my older friends when they told me it's better to go to college single, because they're right. Now, in retrospect, the fact that i was in a relationship was the root cause for most of my unhappiness in one way or another during freshman year.

due to the fact that i was in a relationship, i never really had much time to meet people at school or in the city to hang out, because basically every weekend i went either home or to dekalb. i wish i would have stayed out here and met more people, i really do. Looking back, it wasn't worth it. And, because i didn't have many friends here, i was lonely alot... which in turn made me miss my friends and boyfriend back home even more. So i was basically miserable.. and on top of that, in my opinion, if it wasn't for the immense amounts of stress i was under from my relationship, then i never would have started having my anxiety attacks, which basically made my life a living hell. i can't even describe how depressed and scared and lonely and angry i was because of it.

but, what's done is done, and i can't go back and change anything. i'm just hoping that by spending a year at home, i can hopefully focus on saving money and doing good in some classes, and maybe even a year from now, i'll have my anxiety under control and be able to go off my pills. if/when i do go back to living in the city, i might actually look into going to depaul... i have some friends from high school that go there, and i have met some kids who live in that area recently.

i still have some lingering health problems that hopefully will get better in the near future too...
my hands and limbs have been shaking really bad lately, i might go get that checked out.
or not. i'm scared to find out something bad

i'm just looking forward to the summer. i'm gonna come to the city as much as possible.
i cant wait to get really tan and wear shorts and no shoes and go fishing and get all dirty and let my hair blow in the wind and not even care what i look like.

cisforceleritas @ 2008-04-20T11:30:00

2008-04-20T16:34:04Z

last night was the best night i've had in a long time.

i cant wait for summerrrr :)

cisforceleritas @ 2007-12-06T18:29:00

2007-12-07T00:30:43Z

I'm tired.

really, really tired.

What the hell is wrong with me?

2007-11-27T23:46:09Z

I wish I knew.
I have intense feelings of rage towards myself right now because of how I've been constantly feeling sick lately.
For the first few weeks I thought it was just in my head. two summers ago I passed out while at work because i unknowingly had mono, and once i was better and started working again, for 1 or 2 weeks I suffered from anxiety because I couldn't shake the fear that I would pass out again, or that I wasn't fully over mono.

But nothing was wrong with me in the first place. I woke up one morning and felt really weak, almost passed out, and ended up throwing up before my morning classes. Ever since then I haven't felt right, and I'm pretty sure it's not in my head. Why? Because I'm missing the Paulson show right now, which I have been looking forward to since the summer when their Clearwater show was cancelled or whatever. This show means so much to me. I would never, EVER, happily back down from going. And I'm not going, and not happy about it. But I almost passed out during lunch today, so it's pretty much guaranteed that I will feel like crap at the show, and I don't want to ruin anyone elses time by making them take care of me or take me home.

I'm so enfuriated with myself right now, even though feeling shitty is something i have no control over I still feel like I let myself down. I feel like I let mike down and my friends down last weekend at savanahs when i didn't stay the night. I feel like I let mike down whenever he wants me to come with him to a party but I just don't have the energy.

i just feel really lost and like there is no end in sight. every day for weeks now has been a fucking struggle with my body.

when i wake up, i dont shower in the mornings anymoer because it takes too much energy and i'll feel like i'm gonna pass out. instead i get downstairs as fast as i can to eat something for breakfast, and try to relax and feel like i can keep it down enough to walk to class. while i'm in class i get waves of nausea and faintness that i just sit through and try and focus.

Then, i usually take a nap from like 10:15 to 1:15ish every day.

lunch and dinner are both pretty much the same. orchestra is really bad because it's a long walk from my dorm to my auditorium and by the time i get there i feel light headed and nauseous. it's hard to focus on what i'm playing because i just feel like crap.

then i pretty much just lay in bed and watch t.v from 7pm on, because i have no energy to do anything else and the only time i feel remotely normal is when i'm laying in bed, not expending any energy. Because of this, i pretty much have no friends left here at school because I never feel like hanging out with any of the friends i started to make back in august.

i jsut need it all to go away, one way or another. i'm miserable living like this. i have a doctors appointment on the 22nd which is sooo long away, and i'm not sure if i can get one any sooner. I'm just so angry, depressed, and just exhausted right now.

cisforceleritas @ 2007-10-29T23:34:00

2007-10-30T04:45:02Z

I find it interesting how, as human beings, it's easier to say to someone "I'll always love you" than it is to say "I'll always be with you", or "we'll always be together". It's easier to tell someone that "I'll love you forever" than "we'll be together forever".

People are so afraid of the idea of being together forever, yet they can so easily assure themselves that they will always love someone no matter what. Being together forever doesn't nessecarily always mean marriage. If two people are together now, and they don't want to be apart, why can't they just be with each other? Forever? Just... be.

Even though it's easier to say "I'll love you forever" than "we'll be together forever", it's actuallty the exact opposite that comes easier.
It's easier to be with someone whom you don't love, than it is to love someone whom you can't be with.

So what means more; I'll always love you, or I'll always be with you?

cisforceleritas @ 2007-10-20T13:54:00

2007-10-20T19:02:14Z

yesterday was miserable. it was so cold and windy, i wore my pajamas/sweats all day and i could barely find a non-windy spot to have a cigarette. i brought some great wall chinese back to my room and fell asleep in my underwear watching roseanne. it's nice not having my roommate here.

i woke up to spongebob and jimmy neutron. I'm actually glad to be in the city on the weekend for once because it's gorgeous outside. so i got breakfast, showered and got dressed and went to starbucks and picked up a carmel apple spice. then i went over to hartigan beach and enjoyed my cider and took a nap under the trees at the park by the beach. it was so relaxing. there were quiet sounds and a gentle breeze. this is the kind of day i looked forward to having when i moved to chicago. it's nice to be alone sometimes. I was glad to be alone. I can't think of one person here at school that I would have wanted to spend my morning with.

there is only one person in the world i wish i could have napped with at the beach.
i miss him terribly.

cisforceleritas @ 2007-09-25T11:42:00

2007-09-25T16:43:08Z

I'm so happy you're okay.
I don't know what I would do without you.

College.

2007-09-01T00:43:59Z

I'm home from my first week at college.
So far my classes don't seem too difficult, which is a huge relief. My math class is actually a Pre-Calc, and I actually took AP calc last year, so it's a step backwards lol. Thjis first week, all we learned about was linear equations.... I kinda feel like I'm back in 8th grade and not in an actual college class.

I've made a few friends. I'm not the best at making friends because I don't really like to go and DO things with people i don't know well. I'm easy to talk to and get along with, but for instance, i've been invited to some parties and I've turned them all down because it doesn't really interest me. Hopefully I'll force myself to go out and do something this next week.

So far it's not what I expected though. I thought that the day i went to college I'd feel amazing, I'd feel so free from my controlling parents and I thought I'd be able to do whatever I want. It's true that I can do basically whatever I want, but the thing is, I don't know WHAT to do. After my classes are all over, I just go up to my room, get on my jammies, and watch TV until I fall asleep. I don't have any interest in hanging out with my new friends. When I'm with them, i think about how I'd be having so much more fun if my best friends were with me. I see kids all around campus with millions of new BEST FRIENDS, hugging everyone they see and being so happy, and I just can't be like that. I can't make 10 new best friends on the drop of a hat. It takes me longer to form bonds than most people I guess, or maybe I'm different because I don't form superficial friendships. I know that when the weekend's over it's going to be terrible going back to school and knowing I have to get through another pointless, lonely week before the weekend comes.

cisforceleritas @ 2007-06-28T21:52:00

2007-06-29T03:34:18Z

I feel obligated to write something because I haven't in so long.

I realized something the other day... well I think I've always known this, but I'm too modest of a person to have actually accepted it as fact before now, but here goes; I am always right about everything.

You might think that the person who is "always right about everything" would have the perfect life, because they would never make any mistakes and would know the answers to everything. This would be true with me, if I wasn't such a HUGE self-doubter.

I mean it's natural for people to have some self-doubt, otherwise everyone would have enormous egos. Also, questioning and doubting yourself, your actions, and your decisions, is an important factor of utilizing your common sense. But with me, it's very insensible.

Okay. Let's pretend you're a person who has a habit of forgetting your keys in your car. So, as a way to make sure you don't make the mistake of locking them in your car, you double check to make sure you have them on you before you exit the vehicle. This self-doubt makes sense, because in the past you have made this mistake on several occasions. Every time I leave my car, I always double check to make sure my keys are in my purse. Even if I KNOW I just placed them in there, I have to open it back up and search around for them before I feel comfortable closing my car door. And I have never once locked my keys in my car. The reason I obsessively check to make sure I have my keys is because I always expect myself to make a mistake, I always doubt myself, when I know in my head that my keys are in my purse, because I just watched myself put them in there.

The other day I layed down to take a nap, and before doing so I wnt in the bathroom to take out my contacts. My internal dialogue went like this:

"I should just throw these contacts away since they're old, and put in new ones when I wake up"
"But watch, I'll wake up and I won't be able to find any of my new contacts."
"Naw, I know they're under the sink."

*tosses contacts*
*takes nap*
*wakes up*

Guess what? I could not find any of my new contacts, and I had AT LEAST 6 pairs left.
Just another example of how I'm always right and how I should never ever doubt myself.

Here's another internal dialogue I've been having with myself lately:

"Even though things are amazing now, it won't be that way forever. It was jsut like this the first time we got back together; for the first few months, he treated me like gold, and then things started getting routine again, and he started taking me for granted again after he said he had learned from his mistakes. And now, he says the same things. He says he never wants us to be apart again, because we're both miserable without each other, and that he's trying to change. It's not sensible to believe him and believe in silly dreams of us never being apart ever again. I'm just putting myself in the position to get hurt again."

"Things will be different this time... I'm going away to school soon and we won't be with each other 24/7, so it will make every time we see each other even more special. I really believe he understands what mistakes he's made, and we obviously have something special since we're both the happiest we've ever been when we're together, and both miserable when we're apart. The fact that we both realize this shows that if we're smart, we'll stay together through whatever."

I think that my self-doubt in this case might be more of wishful thinking.
I just wish I wasn't always right about everything.

cisforceleritas @ 2007-05-27T19:17:00

2007-05-28T00:49:22Z

Graduation was today.

I ended up being in line next to Justin Titre, whom I had a crush on basically since I was 7 years old and all through middle school. We were best friends, and inseperable. I started thinking about how much he has changed. We stopped hanging out in high school because his main concerns were gaining popularity and trying to befriend all of the "popular" kids. My main concern was keeping the friendships I had made through high school, which was hard for me, being the smartest of all my friends. They always had classes together without me, and I missed everything.

While we were waiting to go outside, Justin was saying hi to people here and there that he was "friends" with, and it got me thinking; by not caring about my own popularity and by not having as many friends in high school as Justin, did I waste my entire high school experience? Should I have tried to make friends with everyone, and tried to be in that one big "clique" of friends?

But then I thought about it, and I realized that I'm different than Justin. Not only am I different from him, but I'm different from all of his "friends" as well. The only reason any of them are friends with each other is because they have one common goal of being popular, and so when they like Justin, and he likes them, it builds to both their popularities.

The scientific term for that would be Mutualism.

It's funny, because I hear what kids say about Justin. Most kids hate him, because he's immature, extremely stuck up, and basically thinks his shit doesn't stink. But everyone pretends to love him, hell anyone would pretend to love anyone else if they cared that much about their popularity.

But that's what high school does to you. When you spend 8 hours a day with the same couple hundred kids, you don't have much choice of who your friends are. Start by ruling out the fat and ugly kids, because God forbid that they might have an interesting personality. Then rule out anyone who's not an athlete, because again, God forbid anyone have any other talents besides physical. And last, rule out anyone who doesn't wear clothes that meet your standards, just for the hell of it. The people that are left are the people you automatically become friends with.

Not me though. If there's anything that high school did to me, it helped me realize who I am as a person, and what I like about myself. It helped me mature enough to change what I didn't like about myself. And, high school helped give me the confidence not to be ashamed to be myself.

cisforceleritas @ 2007-05-15T19:20:00

2007-05-16T00:22:45Z

blahhhhhh

I just felt like posting.

I have alot on my mind but I don't want to tell anyone because I know no one's really interested.
Plus, it's mostly stuff that I'm trying to get OFF my mind.

EDIT:

I read this quote literally right after posting this.
Since I didn't say much this post, I'll let someone else say alot for me.

"Men have nothing in common with me -- there is no point of contact; they have foolish little feelings and foolish little vanities and impertinences and ambitions; their foolish little life is but a laugh, a sigh, an extinction; and they have no sense. Only the Moral Sense. I will show you what I mean. Here is a red spider, not so big as a pin’s head. Can you imagine an elephant being interested in him -- caring whether he is happy or isn’t, or whether he is wealthy or poor, or whether his sweetheart returns his love or not, or whether his mother is sick or well, or whether he is looked up to in society or not, or whether his enemies will smite him or his friends desert him, or whether his hopes will suffer blight or his political ambitions fail, or whether he shall die in the bosom of his family or be neglected and despised in a foreign land? These things can never be important to the elephant because they are nothing to him; he cannot shrink his sympathies to the microscopic size of them."

cisforceleritas @ 2007-05-07T21:11:00

2007-05-08T02:20:50Z

My Dad really needs to get a job soon. I have to say that I am extremely proud of him, though. He doesn't just sit around all day on his ass in his bathrobe watching ESPN. He's out practically everyday meeting up with people and having interviews, and whenever he's home, he's on the computer emailing people as well. At this moment, there are 6 stacks of about 200 business cards each, all bound by rubber bands sitting here at the computer desk. I hope his determination and hard work rubs off on me and that I can be just like him when I'm an adult.

Him being unemployed has not only added stress into his life, but mine as well. He lost his company car along with his job, and now he has "adopted" my wittle Saturn. I have to plan each individual day around when I can get the car, if I even can at all. I have to rely on my friend Jess to drive me to school in the morning, and for Jackie to pick me up after school and give me a ride to work 3 of 5 weekdays. Then, after work, I have to ask around to see who can give me a ride back home. I HATE feeling like a burden to people and I hate feeling dependent, because I'm not a dependent person at all. On top of having to juggle the stress of the last few weeks of school, work, scholarship crap, home life, friends, and boys, I have the added weight on my shoulders of feeling like a burden to the people whom I care about most.

Hopefully this situation won't last much longer.
I can't wait to show my friends my gratitude.
I can't wait to have my OWN car back.
I can't wait for my Dad to finally relax.

cisforceleritas @ 2007-04-18T14:57:00

2007-04-18T20:23:59Z

It's Wednesday, and I miss him.

Everything comes into perspective for me in brief moments of enlightenment, however this immense concept of impending mortality is too much to comprehend. A thought will come to me, and for one second in time, I feel like I understand everything; like nothing in my life is meddled with confusion or misunderstanding. But, as soon as I feel the comfort of knowing all the answers, my young mind lets it fade away. I'll quickly try and recall what had just slipped from my mind, but I'm always unsuccessful.

All I know is that I am so small. This planet is small, our galaxy is small. In the lifetime of the entire universe, the span in time where I actually exist is so small that it's basically insignificant. This minute that I'm living in right now is insignificant, yet it's all that I can think about. My world is so small, yet it's all that I know.

In relation to my entire life, my current feelings will be short lived. This phase in my life will be over in a flash. Before I know it, everything will be so far in the past, and my past is insignificant.

At least that's something to look forward to.

cisforceleritas @ 2007-03-18T23:41:00

2007-03-19T04:41:49Z

I wish I had never fallen in love with Mike DeWitte.

cisforceleritas @ 2007-03-02T14:22:00

2007-03-02T20:22:28Z

So, this art project of mine that was in an art show last month got chosen to be permanently displayed at my school in their art collection,
Which means that my Elementary school, Middle school, and now High school will all have pieces of art of mine permanently displayed in them :]

This isn't the best picture, but you get the idea.

Since we're sharing every little detail about our lives...

2007-02-27T08:01:53Z

date: friday night

giddy up! ^n

(that's giddy up to the nth power, which basically means a whole fucking lot of giddy upping)

cisforceleritas @ 2007-02-23T18:11:00

2007-02-24T00:17:36Z

I have no idea why i'm so mortally afraid of soccer balls,
but whenever we play soccer or line soccer in gym i always walk in the opposite direction of the general action because i get really anxious and freaked out for some reason,
and whenever the ball comes remotely near me i run away like a fucking retard and hide behind a bigger person for protection.

so today we played line soccer, and i was doing farely well avoiding the ball,
until it started to come my direction
i got really nervous and backed into the corner hoping i could hide from it....... but i couldn't.
the ball came towards me and this fat sohphmore like 2 feet in front of me lightly kicked it
and it bounced up and tapped me on the waist,
and i immediately covered my face with my hands and ran away as fast as i could.
my friend cathy started laughing at me and pulled my hands down
i was having a huuuge anxiety attack and i was really upset and crying,
but laughing at the same time because of how dumb i am.

it's seriously like as bad as my fear of spiders,
i freak out if i'm near a soccer ball and i have major anxiety attacks if one touches me lololol

so yeah that's my story of the day!

high hopes.

2007-02-21T02:59:46Z

I don't even think about it anymore, really.
it's just a million memories that time will eventually persuade me to forget.
and this past week or so has drastically helped.

although i have just friendly feelings towards eddie,
i'm glad i had this little fling with him.
i've learned so much about life, guys, and myself included.

i should have way more self confidence.
it's hard for me to believe that i really am a "hottie".
it feels weird even typing it;
for so long i've been shy around guys because i think that they have no interest in me whatsoever,
and maybe for a long time, they really weren't interested in me.
but something's changed, i don;t know what.
and that's what makes it so hard to grasp.

i can get any guy i want, no matter how intimidating he is or how much i believe that i'd never have a chance in hell with him.
i guess i just need to believe in myself.

I'm gonna miss hanging out with eddie when he leaves,
he;s a cool d00d and i have fun with him.
but whatever, there's so many other guys out there and i get to have my pick :]