yes.
new years 2009 i made a firm decision that this year i would focus on getting over my anxiety issues completely to the point where i could get off my medication. Little by little, i pushed myself to do things that would have been basically like throwing myself off a cliff had i done it a year ago. Things most people do without thinking, like going to parties, dating, getting tattooed and peirced... i did it all, and pushed myself through the fear. I even sort of "re-enacted" some situations that had previously caused me severe anxiety attacks, just for practice at controlling my mind and body when i can't control my environment. it was masochistic, in a way. eventually, the more potentially anxious situations i got through without any problems, the more confident i became. then, in april, i started to gradually cut back my dosage and take my meds every other day for a few weeks, then every two days, etc, until i stopped completely a few weeks ago. i have been able to do anything i feet like doing without the dark cloud of panic hanging over my head, and the best part is, that i know that the power to do so comes from within me, not from medication. if a situation does arise that has the potential to be anxiety provoking, my mind and my will are strong enough to keep my body from responding with a panic attack. in the few months ahead, i highly expect that i will experience times of high anxiety, but i am confident that i can work through it and prevent myself from having a full blown attack. i am not afraid of relapse. i have never been more proud of myself, i have never felt more empowered, and i have never felt more optimistic. thinking back to the start of last summer, i can remember feeling like i was a dog kept on a leash; i could only roam around so much before the chains of my irrational fears and obsessions inevitably caused me to withdraw. this summer, i feel like i have broken free. my imagination can become reality because nothing is holding me back anymore. that dark cloud over my shoulders, fearfully keeping me from being able to live my life has blown away. this summer, i can do anything and everything, and i WILL do anything and everything... just because i can. and i know what it's like to be in a place where you can't. i haven't felt this happy in a long time. i haven't felt this real in a long time. and those feelings aren't going anywhere, because now i'm in control.

what is reality? denotation of the word itself describes reality as what acually exists, or what is real. but what one person would consider reality, another would consider fantasy and vice versa. who really knows what is real and what isn't? ever since high school, and my experiences with drifting from one crowd of kids to another, i've always maintained the perspective that reality is subjective. for instance, every school has that crowd of 14-17 year old kids who think they're hardcore gangsters. from their perspective, they are intimidating, tough, rebellious, and better than everyone else who isn't like them. in their minds, they have a tough life. they do and sell drugs to exasterbate the image that they truly are street wise. this life is a reality for them. but to others on the outside looking in, they are posers, white trash kids just trying to find a place to fit in and trying to find some way to get one measly ounce of status in a school hierarchy so dependent on the size of your parent's wallet.

their fantasy becomes their reality, and so their fantasy shapes who they are; what moments become their memories, what memories go on to build their character, and so on. however, once this fantasy life builds it's way into a person's personality, memories, and the buildup of who they are, the life they live, and the remnents of themselves they leave behind after death... do the ideas that once were fantasy finally become reality? after all, if i may quote Descartes, "I think, therefore I am." So, if what our idea of reality is makes us who we are, and we as living beings are in fact real, then can fantasy be reality?

one biological characteristic of narcolepsy is the extreme difference in the path your brain takes when falling asleep. when a normal person lays down to sleep, they spend the first 2 hours or so in non-REM sleep, the stage when your brain is shutting down your body to enter a state of paralysis and so on. after that, you enter REM sleep, which as everyone knows, is the stage of sleep when your brain is the most active. this is when you experience dreaming. For people with narcolepsy, your brain takes an entirely different route as you enter sleep. instead of spending a good 2 hours in non-REM sleep, you spend NO time at all in this stage, and fall directly into REM sleep and extremely deep states of dreaming.

i'm sleeping. my alarm goes off, time for work. i rise from bed, check my hair in the mirror, and wash my face. it's quiet and cold in my house at 7am. i find some random socks on the bathroom floor, grab my scrubs and get dressed. i put my shoes on in the laundry room and exit the house through the garage. the cold air dries up my throat and i can't stop coughing. in my car, i can see my breath, but i can't see through my windshield. i drive to work anyways. at work, i clock in with my time card. daisy rubs her skinny little body against my legs and emits an ugly obnoxious whiny meow. an old dog is dying and we are trying to save it. i accidently drop him and he lands on his head, breaks his neck, and dies. my boss explodes and tells me to get the hell out of there and never come back. i come home and go to bed to try and forget about it all.

my phone rings, my dad is calling and it's wednesday at 3 pm. my day off. i had class in the morning and took a nap after i got back home. or did i go to work, kill someone's pet, and get fired? i lay in bed confused and disoriented. i finally realize that it was just a dream, but it seemed so real that i can't stop thinking about it for the rest of the day. i think "what could i have done to save that dog's life?" i feel horrible. i feel guilty. it is reality to me.

the majority of my time is spent asleep and dreaming. even if i fall asleep for 20 minutes during class, i will have a dream that i am awake and participating in the class. so what really happened? does it matter what REALLY happened, or does only my sense of reality matter? other times, i'll be sleeping in bed and my dad will come in to wake me up so that i can move my car. i dream that i get up out of bed, grab my keys, and move my car into the street before returning back to bed. 10 minutes later, my dad wakes me up again, this time pissed off that i still havent gotten my ass out of bed, when i tell him that i just did, and i am confused when he tells me that i certainly did not.

but what if my dad had never came back to wake me up the second time, and just moved my car himself? what if i never woke up in class and realized that i had been napping? i would have just kept sleeping and dreaming that i was going on living my life. i would still believe that i HAD perticipated in the class discussion, and that i had gone outside and moved my car too. i wouldn't know that these things were not reality. it seems real to me, more real than my life feels when i am awake.

so what is reality for me? the life i live while i'm awake, or the life i live in my dreams while i'm asleep? if more of your impression of reality is influenced by your life while sleeping than while awake, does that make your dreams real? does the reality of your waking life even matter, if you barely spend any time in it anyways? sensibly, i KNOW that my dreams are just dreams... they are timeless, dimensionless, figments of my own subconscious. but if my dreams influence me more than my real life experiences, then they do become my reality.

although i keep a private journal which i write in every few days/weeks or so, i like posting in livejournal.. not because i think other people will read it and care about my life, but because no matter where i'm at, if i feel like looking back on my life i can do so.
 

so... here's to infrequent updates.

i started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago. i really enjoy it, she makes me feel good about myself and confident about my anxiety. she reassures me that i did the right thing by eliminating all the unhealthy friendships in my life. she listens to what i have to say really well, and in doing so, she gives me another perspective on issues in my life. i definitely think that it has helped me to understand and cope with my anxiety more, and also has given me more confidence in other aspects of my life. she tells me that i'm smart, caring, articulate, selfless, empathetic, and worth more than how i let people treat me... and it feels good to hear someone say that, even if they barely know me.

next order of business... i honestly feel sorry for you. i go from periods of hating your guts and thinking that you weren't as amazing as i tricked myself into thinking you were, to the complete opposite and just wanting to hear you say that you miss me in your life. but through all of these confused and mixed feelings, one thing stands out.. and it's that i really feel sorry for you. you just can't open up and feel comfortable communicating with people, so you push them away. especially when they get too open with you, and youre afraid that they want the same openness in return. even though you have amazing friends who care about you (which i am extremely jealous of), you will always be alone. this has helped me realize that i am so incredibly lucky to have someone who will always love me, and whom i will always love in return. i will never be alone... ever.



 

my doctor thinks I have narcolepsy. there's no difinitive test for it, but based on the fact that ever since I was like 15 i've always been excessively sleepy and fall asleep for hours at a time during the daytime on a daily basis, to the point where i get a combined total of between 14-16 hours of sleep a day, i guess it makes sense. he's gonna put me on some medication that will hopefully convince my brain that i don't need that much sleep. i'm really sick of living like this, always being tired all the time, having to fit a nap into my daily routine, and not being able to stay up late with my friends.

i know that in the past 6-8 months or so it has seemed like i have "changed" because of my anxiety and stuff. it might seem like i dont wanna go out and do the things i used to want to do with my friends, and thats partly because of my anxiety and partly because of being so tired all the time. also, i know that sometimes i can seem irritable or crabby when friends go out and do stuff that i "dont wanna do"... and i'm sorry if that makes you think that i've changed as a person because i don't wanna do the same things, or because i might act bitchy about friends/boyfriends doing things without me... but the truth is (pay attention, this is important) that i'm just frusterated and aggravated with myself that i can't go out and do those things that i used to anymore, and actually really really jealous of my friends/boyfriends who CAN go out and do those things without me... and so all these feelings can manifest themselves into me acting like a grouch and seeming like i'm not the same person who i used to be.

my anxiety is mostly under control now, but it's still something i deal with every day and it still influences my life immensely. also, if i DO have narcolepsy, i really hope i can start to manage it so i can lead a somewhat normal life and go back to doing the things i want to do without anything hindering me.

so the past 8 months or so has been really really really hard on me in so many ways.... but i wanna thank all of my friends who have been so understanding of me struggling with anxiety and narcolepsy and understanding the changes i was going through, and who have been there for me no matter what......... oh wait, that's none of you.

the past four days have been the best 4th of July weekend of my life... so far.

on thursday savanah had people over and it was good to spend time with savanah and jackie again. working 40+ hours a week and having to be up at 6am everyday prevents us from being able to hang out together i think, because i need to go to bed early and they always wanna go out and party or go to the city or something. but we all got pretty drunk and it was fun. everyone was telling me the whole night how cute trevor and i are together. nick even told me that he's never seen trevor happier, and hearing that from nick made me feel really good because all i wanna do is make him happy. 

friday i had my first day off in like 3 weeks (besides having every sunday off.. but i still have to wake up early for church so it barely counts). i slept in till 2 and then had people over at 5 for a cookout. my dad tried his best to cook up veggie burgers and dogs for the veggie peeps, and overall i think people had a really good time. then afterwards we went into st. charles for some amazing fireworks. i was glad everyone came to my cookout thingy, it made me feel really loved or something.

saturday was kinda lame.. i worked and then had to go to some kids graduation party who i was best friends with when i was like 6 but havent seen since. so it was kind of awkward... especially since he grew up to be a total hottie lol

and then today my family and i went up to my aunt's in wisconsin to watch the parade that the town of East Troy has every year, the same parade that my mom marched in with her band when she was in high school. this is like the 8th year or so that we've all been going and its always a really enjoyable way to end the 4th of july weekend. except i got super sunburnt because today was basically the first time my skin has been exposed to any sunlight for over like 30 minutes lol. i'm gonna be hurting tomorrow.


hope you all had a good 4th!
and thanks to those who came to my cookout.. i hope you enjoyed it!

 no one reads this.

lol.

but if someone did read this, i would want them to know that i was happy again.

Within the first young hours of June 2008, Savanah, Trevor, Ryan and I found ourselves trapped in Santas Village while being ambushed by police from all sides of the park. The cops thought they'd surround us and sit it out, because we eventually had to hop the fence to get back out, but little did they know that we had a lookout (Jamie). We found a remote corner of the park, and Trevor and Ryan lifted up the chainlink fence and we all crawled under. We found ourselves in a neighborhood, and ducked in and out of shadows until we found a dark, inconspicuous place to wait for Jamie to find us and pick us up. 

I haven't been this happy in a long time. I love hanging out with this group of new and old friends. I feel like for once in my life, it's the first time when I've felt such a complete sense of belonging, appreciation, and care from one group of people. Everyone has so many unique and special qualities to lend to the group that whenever we're all together it feels like time stands still, and the here and now is the only thing that matters. I've had so many adventures, and done so many spontaneous things in the past few weeks, and it has made me so happy. It's refreshing to find people who know that once you step outside of the bars and drunken parties, there is a world out there to explore... 

I'm throwing transitional phrases out the window.

Back at work, 40 hours a week. Surprisingly, I love it. I'm considered a "whole person" now, and since i'm not the new girl anymore, people don't bitch at me, respect me, joke with me... and the best part is that i don't have to do all the dirty bitch work anymore. I feel so blessed to have found my passion so early in life, because that's one less part about my future that isn't a mystery to me.

He makes me so shy like I've never felt before, and everytime we get close to each other i get butterflies. It's been so long since I've felt this way, and even longer since I've met someone like him. He's shown me that I DO deserve the best, and i should never let anyone try to convince me otherwise. I just want to make him happy, and treat him better than she ever did... because he deserves the best too.

Summer 2008. Already above and beyond my expectations.

so, it's tuesday and I move out of my dorm on saturday. it's a weird feeling knowing that i'm gonna be moving back to the suburbs, because as much as i miss my friends, and having a car, and as much as i hate living in a dorm, i've just started to really like living in the city lately, now that the weather is nicer and i've been meeting some cool new people.

freshman year of college. i can't believe it's over. it's definitely NOT what i thought it would be... and i can say that i didn't enjoy living in the city as much as i thought i would, mostly because of the shitty weather and having to walk everywhere. if/when i move back to chicago, i'm bringing a car, no matter how expensive it is.

college has had some upsides and some downsides. i really enjoyed having the freedom to do what i want without having to answer to a parent, and i think that spending a yeaar not living at home has actually made my parents and i, and even my brother and i, have a closer relationship, which is good. the only thing i regret about my freshman year, meaning if i could go back and change anything, it would be to not have come to school in a relationship. iwish i would have listened to my mom and my aunt and my older friends when they told me it's better to go to college single, because they're right. Now, in retrospect, the fact that i was in a relationship was the root cause for most of my unhappiness in one way or another during freshman year.

due to the fact that i was in a relationship, i never really had much time to meet people at school or in the city to hang out, because basically every weekend i went either home or to dekalb. i wish i would have stayed out here and met more people, i really do. Looking back, it wasn't worth it. And, because i didn't have many friends here, i was lonely alot... which in turn made me miss my friends and boyfriend back home even more. So i was basically miserable.. and on top of that, in my opinion, if it wasn't for the immense amounts of stress i was under from my relationship, then i never would have started having my anxiety attacks, which basically made my life a living hell. i can't even describe how depressed and scared and lonely and angry i was because of it.

but, what's done is done, and i can't go back and change anything. i'm just hoping that by spending a year at home, i can hopefully focus on saving money and doing good in some classes, and maybe even a year from now, i'll have my anxiety under control and be able to go off my pills. if/when i do go back to living in the city, i might actually look into going to depaul... i have some friends from high school that go there, and i have met some kids who live in that area recently.

i still have some lingering health problems that hopefully will get better in the near future too... 
my hands and limbs have been shaking really bad lately, i might go get that checked out.
or not. i'm scared to find out something bad

i'm just looking forward to the summer. i'm gonna come to the city as much as possible. 
i cant wait to get really tan and wear shorts and no shoes and go fishing and get all dirty and let my hair blow in the wind and not even care what i look like.

 last night was the best night i've had in a long time.

i cant wait for summerrrr :)

I'm tired.

really, really tired.